I am told that neurotypicals are constantly engaging in subliminal interchange of small movements of the muscles around the eyes. When they are with others, exchanging these movements, it’s a kind of telepathy. They know what others are feeling all the time. They feel part of the group.
People with Aspergers are missing that. We can’t do it. That’s a big part of our disability.
Even when I’m with others, I feel alone. I don’t feel connected. I want to feel connected the way neurotypicals do. I can’t.
Also, I have auditory sensitivities and other sensory integration problems. I can’t be in a crowded, noisy bar. I can’t be surrounded by large screen TVs with sports images. I can’t go in there. I have to leave. I miss out on social groups.
In group conversations, I cannot participate. I don’t know when it’s my turn. It’s like when I was a child and kids would jump rope “double Dutch,” in other words there were two ropes at once. I just didn’t feel like I could even attempt that.
Even in a one-on-one conversation, often the speaker changes subjects faster than I can respond to a single topic. Listening to such a speaker just feels like being electrocuted. I sit there, paralyzed, and can’t say anything.
I also often don’t know my feelings until several days later. I can’t explain in a timely fashion what is going on with me.
I’m not sure if this is Asperger’s or not, but I find that a lot of people start issuing me instructions. I say something and they give me instructions about how to do it. I just want them to listen and be my friend. I don’t want a bunch of random people issuing me instructions. I’m already busy enough without being sent hither and yon with new missions. This might be a problem for neurotypicals as well.
I want to have friends. I want to have emotional intimacy. It doesn’t work.
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