Today I am angry
For years, I've been attending SLAA meetings -- in the northeast -- and for years I've been feeling triggered by profanity.
I grew up in the Midwest. I never heard profanity in my home or my community. People who used profanity were shunned. I only learned profanity from George Carlin.
I also have mild Giles de la Tourette's Syndrome with some involuntary speaking. I've been grateful that I grew up without profanity, because it meant I couldn't get coprolalia. I worry that all the swearing in NYC will make me get that.
I experience common profanity as sexual harassment, forcing me to think about sex and bodily functions, when that wasn't my choice.
I sat there for years, cringing every time someone swore -- but I said nothing, because my dysfunctional background taught me to aspire to be wantless and needless.
But I learned from program that being wantless and needless is not emotionally healthy. I heard others sharing about triggers.
Typically, the triggers that were shared -- such as people wearing tank tops with narrow straps or people lying down -- were not my triggers. I didn't necessarily feel sympathetic with those triggers, but I never insulted those people or intentionally tried to increase those people's triggers by repeating them. I also saw that when people talked about triggers they were listened to and respected.
Therefore, Friday, when someone was swearing repeatedly, I said I felt uncomfortable. The leader re-read our language about triggers.
Another fellow spoke angrily about "trigger police" and repeated my trigger, angrily and viciously.
This really compounded things for me. I was an unpopular kid in school. I had an undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. I was bullied.
So here I'm seeing that the popular kids get to talk about their triggers -- and they don't get bullied. I talk about my triggers and I get bullied.
I left the meeting. That's not so obvious on Zoom as it would be in person, but I feel someone should have noticed. No one reached out to me. That's my home meeting. I've been going there for over 10 years. I thought those people were my friends. I've given out my phone number repeatedly for outreach. No one called me.
The popular kids in that meeting have spoken movingly about how often they get outreach calls. I'm not a popular kid. I don't get outreach calls.
I thought this meeting was a safe place for me. I thought that I could trust these people. That's hard for me as an emotional anorexic and adult child. Obviously, I was wrong. It's not a safe place.
#slaa #triggers #EmotionalTriggers #CrossTalk #Bullying #Betrayal #12Step #TwelveStep #envy #resentment
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update: 8/18/22 (this is a twitter thread. please read the whole thing)
One program precept is ODAT -- One Day At A Time -- Living in the present. This is not my natural way of thinking. I live in the past (resentments) and in the future (fear).
— Annalisse Mayer (@AnnalisseMayer) August 18, 2022
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