Thoughts about tradition three in 12 step fellowships

I am writing about an issue that is arising in the intergroup of one of my 12 step fellowships. This has to do with meetings that are designated BLPOC, in other words for blacks and people of color.  These fellowships have been designated themselves as closed to those who are not BLPOC

This discussion has unfortunately been occurring  in email. That is often not a very good way of achieving mutual understanding. One of my friends calls it evil mail, because it tends to escalate conflict, Rather than de-escalate it.

As part of this discussion, I have made some comments in emails, which I would like to memorialize here.

An experience I had of exclusion:

I attended a college that was all male until about 2 years before I got there. The decision to go co-ed was controversial amongst alumni and students -- tho not staff. When I was there, I met alumni on the street who told me that they didn't want me there. One of my best friends told me that he wished the college had not gone co-ed.  Fraternities wrote nasty songs about us. One of them was called "Our Co-hogs."  The college kept the ratio of men to women at 3:1 for a number of years to placate alumni, which meant it was twice as hard for women to get in as men, when I went there.

Yet, my response to this has been to be reluctant to attend all female meetings, because I don't want to be part of a group that makes others feel excluded. I don't want to treat others the way I was treated.  I don't understand those who want to emulate their oppressors.

I do sympathize with the complainers against the tradition here, tho, or at least the interpretation of the tradition... but I think the traditions are important.

I also find myself torn by the politics of the day, where Trump supporters, who I tend to strongly disagree with, are much more likely to complain of reverse racism than so-called progressives, who I tend to identify with.  Yet, in this case, I don't like the statement that people of a different race cannot attend, so I fear being seen as being like Trump supporters.  Even tho 12 step groups are supposed to be non-political, it's been pretty clear that most people in my area are on the progressive side.  This makes me want to just crawl into a hole and not say anything. 

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Decentralization of responsibility for the traditions

Traditionally, in program, the individual groups are the fellowship.  Intergroup and fellowship wide services are service bodies. It's not a top down organization. It's bottom up.  Each group is independent.  The question is what the service body lists on its website.  A group that does not follow traditions is not a 12 step group.  At least that has been the attitude of every service body that I know of. Any group is free to do anything it likes, but the service body doesn't have to list them on its website.

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Interpretation of the tradition, in light of historical commentary

FWIW, in another fellowship I am a member of, tradition 3 has always been interpreted to mean that, while a meeting can state a preference for certain types of people, it cannot refuse entry to any   member.  The term "closed" has always meant that non-members cannot attend (e.g. family members of members, social workers looking to support their clients, students, journalists).  

The AA Big Book, the first 12 step literature, from which all 12 step programs are derived, states "Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover."  This is the long form tradition currently at p. 563 of the 4th edition, but the introduction to the traditions explains that the long form was the original form enunciated in  1946.

To my mind, to interpret the traditions contrary to their original formulation would take us out of being a 12 step program.

One question is whether an individual group might exclude a member, if there are other groups that would take that member, so that the fellowship as a whole would admit them.  I think the answer to that question would be no.  Each group is bound to follow the traditions -- not to delegate the traditions to other groups.  Therefore I do not believe that a group can exclude anyone who wishes to recover.  

Elucidation of details of traditions are typically made with reference to the 12&12.  I guess this paraticular fellowship, which is newer, does not have a 12 & 12 yet.  The fellowship text does reference the AA 12 & 12 on page 122 in a footnote.  With respect to tradition 3, the AA document speaks quite movingly of what led them to this principle. I am enclosing a screen image of part of that discussion, to wit, when you exclude a sufferer you may actually  be signing their death sentence. Addiction is a deadly disease.  https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_tradition3.pdf

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Not yet sent out in an e-mail:

Recovery v Victimhood & Trauma Bonding

I perceive in this discussion of whether BLPOC groups can exclude whites, a sort of self righteous pissing contest. "My suffering is worse than your suffering, therefore you can't talk to me." I find this hurtful.

No one comes into this program unharmed. There are horrendous stories of child abuse, mental illness, physical illness, poverty, loss, and death. Yet, I have been repeatedly cautioned, and have found in my own experience, the dwelling in victimhood and self-pity does not help recovery. Instead focusing on victimhood and self-pity provokes compulsive, self-medicating behavior. Moreover I have been cautioned against trauma bonding. I have been told the trauma bonding is dangerous, because it's more likely to result in dysfunctional relationships.

 I would suggest that in your desperate search to protect yourselves, you may actually be protecting yourself from recovery.

Also, this particular fellowship is not a fellowship for purposes of recovery from racism. That is not our stated objective.

 

#12step #twelvestep #tradition3 #traditionthree #blpoc  #reverseracism #racism #twelvesteptraditions #12steptraditions #thirdtradition #3rdtradition

Black officers dying during protests

Black officer casualties as side effects of protests turning violent

Chris Beaty

Dave Underwood

Dave Dorn

Max Brewer

I am a supporter of #blacklivesmatter  However, when protests turn violent, black people are also killed.

Moreover, police killing people is actually fairly rare. It's easy to get a distorted perspective from a video online. 

to a young woman who wants to come to the USA to get away from her parents

I got into an interchange with a  young woman on Quora who wanted to come to the USA to get away from her parents, whose opinions she rejected.  These were some comments that I wrote in response

This comment is better written than your original question. That’s encouraging from the perspective of your studying in the USA. [I had written that English errors in her question would preclude her from entry into an Ivy League School.]

Unfortunately, though, if you want to get into setting policy at a governmental level, you’re going to have to get along with other people. It sounds like you’re having issues with that.

I relate. I personally have a mild autism spectrum disorder. I tend to like to do things alone. It sounds like you also do.

It is very common for people with autism, or a lot of autistic features, to think that if they went to another country their problems would go away. It doesn’t work that way, though. You’ll still have to deal with people in other countries and you’ll likely have similar problems with them as you have at home.

In describing your parents, you seem to reject them based on their opinions. But people are more than their opinions.

After my mom died, I wrote an obituary for her. I wrote a shorter one for the newspaper and a longer one for myself and the family. I wrote a couple of things that I still believe are true. My mom was not able to work in the family business, because she was a female. My grandfather gave the business to her brother [who incidentally ran it into the ground]. My mom ended up marrying my dad after her father died prematurely from a smoking related heart attack. My grandfather was very anti-semitic and my father’s ancestry was Jewish, though he had been raised Lutheran. So my grandfather was very sexist AND bigoted.

My uncle was infuriated when I mentioned my grandfather’s unsavory opinions in my mother’s obituary. Later, though, he had to admit that what I wrote was true — but the point was that, even though my uncle rejected those opinions, he still loved his father very much.

You mention that you’re 31. My mid-thirties was when I had the biggest conflicts with my mom (also when I was about 13). I hope that over time you will learn to love your parents even if they disagree with you about some things.

My parents are now dead. I’m probably better off that way, but, fortunately, I think they died with us on fairly good terms.

#masks4all -- a twitter interchange

Here is the YouTube video cited above:

link to WSJ article cited above

This blog is to memorialize a twitter exchange that I had.  I created screen images on my phone and dumped them into a blog.  At first they were out of order, but I have fixed that now, from my desktop.  I couldn't fix it from the phone.  I still can't insert anything before the first picture.  I don't know why. 

Here’s a link to my first response to this interlocutor
https://twitter.com/annalissemayer/status/1258758090578591749?s=21

Here's an embedded tweet of my first response.

I’m not a sheeple. I’m a fanatic proponent of masks. I’ve been pushing #masks4all long before it was popular. I agree that hand hygiene is useless. as the virus is airborne.

However, I understand this article to be saying that a mask will not protect you. This I agree with...

— Annalisse Mayer (@AnnalisseMayer) May 8, 2020

extra-curricular activities during COVID-19

I'm getting this question a lot, so I want to memorialize my answer


https://www.quora.com/What-activities-can-students-do-that-will-look-good-on-their-college-applications-during-COVID-19/answer/Annalisse-Mayer?prompt_topic_bio=1

Question answered: What activities can students do that will look good on their college applications during COVID-19?

People seem to discount the idea of solitary creative activity: art, creative writing, music, or even solo dance. Maybe you can even submit such things to contests on line or for publication. It would be really cool to get a poem or short story published. People are so focused on “leadership.” Well, everyone can’t be a leader.

Can you perhaps do something for elderly or sick neighbors, while maintaining proper social distance, e.g. shopping or yard work? I have this fantasy that people will organize delivery of care packages for sick people who are quarantined. I’ve been trying to think of what they would need: non-perishable food, gatorade powder, thermometer, blood oxygen testing device, vitamins?

Can you organize a club online, e.g. book club, acting club or debate club? Can you make some creative videos online, possibly with the help of friends? If you could develop some audio or video manipulation skills and make really creative videos, that might be interesting.

How about designing a creative app for smartphone? Or some interesting lenses for Snapchat? My cousin created a lens that ended up being used by over 20 million people!!! If you could get something to go viral, that would look good.

Can you perhaps think of a science project that could be done while maintaining social distance? Or work on a knotty math problem? Maybe you could learn some non-standard math skill like spherical trigonometry or how to manipulate quaternions or octonions. I’ve always thought it would be super cool if someone could create an animation of a Klein bottle or a hyper cube that would really help the viewer to understand it. Or maybe you could create some fractal art. That’s both mathematical and beautiful.

Another thing that a lot of students need to work on is basic writing e.g.: spelling, grammar, proper word usage, and punctuation. I’m seeing a lot of Quora questions on here from HS students that are deficient in these respects.  

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Here's an article about a music teacher and his students who made face shields for health care providers, which is just exactly the sort of thing colleges would love to see

https://www.npr.org/2020/06/11/869948638/music-teachers-weekend-project-turns-into-almost-40-000-face-shields?fbclid=IwAR1fb-ieqYpmdDb7uz7QCi-xMLJxk5lNACc6dmZQ1uQGiHMdMi30i5Jj-qs

building up resume and preparing for LSAT for law school

Here's another question whose answer I want to remember

 https://www.quora.com/Is-2-years-enough-time-to-prepare-for-the-LSAT-and-build-up-my-resume-for-law-school/answer/Annalisse-Mayer

Some people go to law school right out of college. I’m not sure why you feel you need to build up a resume.

I personally did take 2 years off between college and law school. I worked as a computer programmer. During that job, I became interested in being a patent attorney — and in computer related law. That was something I wrote about in my essay for admissions. I have no idea what effect that may or may not have had on my admission.

As to preparation for the LSAT, I got a book of practice tests. I worked through one test and identified where I had problems. Then, on the next tests, I focused on those areas — always comparing my answer with the model answer. I didn’t spend more than few weeks on this — but, then, I happen to be good at standardized tests.

Once I got to law school, I found 3 categories of people who seemed best prepared to deal with the subject matter:

• former paralegals and legal secretaries
• CPA’s
• Talmudic scholars

These people all seemed to hit the ground running, because they had substantial exposure to legal procedures, legal thinking, legal research, and legal arguments.

I found that STEM people, like me, were at a disadvantage, because the way were were taught to think was true/false — with concise proofs of what was true or false. Basically, I had to redecorate my brain once I was there. I had to think about things in terms of every side of a question and being willing to argue all sides. I had to learn to be more verbose in my arguments, showing more of my thinking process.

Still, we need STEM people in law.

how to raise GPA

I'm getting this question a lot on Quora, so I want to remember what I said, by memorializing it here.

Here's the link to the post

https://www.quora.com/My-GPA-for-this-high-school-semester-so-far-is-a-2-6-How-can-I-raise-it-by-the-end-of-the-semester/answer/Annalisse-Mayer

It may be tough, depending on how soon your semester ends.

Are you turning in all assignments promptly? It is much preferable to turn in an assignment on time and get 50%, as opposed to turning in nothing and getting zero. It brings down your average much less.

If you don’t understand something, are you asking your teacher for help? Are you being proactive about starting your homework early so you have time to ask for help if you don’t understand something?

If you get a bad grade on an assignment or a test, are you making sure you understand why you got that grade and what you should have done differently? Please ask your teacher — politely and deferentially — to explain it to you, so you won’t do the same thing again.

As the others have said, communication with your teacher is critical. Be polite. Set up appointments to meet in advance. Keep those appointments. Be willing to accept criticism — and even thank the teacher for it. Avoid getting defensive. How your teacher perceives you is going to make a big difference in how she treats you.

Asking for an extra credit assignment to make up lost points is definitely sometimes an option.
Do you have a quiet place to study? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting a healthy balanced diet? Are you getting enough exercise? These are all critical to good thinking and problem solving.

Is something going on at home that’s making it impossible for you to do work? If so, communication with your school and your teacher is critical. It’s tough now, with the quarantine, but there might be places where you could study undisturbed. I was just suggesting to my son that he might want to sit in the car and study, so that no one would bug him.