Friday, August 2, 2013

journalling 130802

I should go out and mow the lawn.  I am journalling instead of going out and mowing the lawn, because I want to figure out what is standing in my way.  I need the exercise.  The lawn needs mowing.  I feel frustrated that the kids don't help me.  I feel frustrated that the house is a mess, that I have not been able to motivate myself to work on my taxes, that papers are lying all over the place == that everything needs vacuuming.  

Even tho I've stayed abstinent, my weight is up, because my metabolism is slowing with age, and I'm having trouble finding the willingness to eat less.  I felt really overfull with my weighed and measured meal last night, which was just the same as so many others that I've eaten -- but it's summer, so I need less food, and my metabolism has slowed.  

I had always eaten 6 oz of protein, but now it seems like I need to go down to 4 oz, which other people commonly eat.  This is a tough sacrifice for me.  I feel like I've given up so much already.  

I also have to cut larger vegetables in half.  I've never weighed vegetables.  I've only eyeballed the amounts.  I've figured that most vegetables are essentially free, weight wise, but that doesn't stop me from feeling overfull when I eat them and having lots of gas as well.

There's so much to do to get ready to go on the trip I want to go on, and it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so I should be mowing, I should be packing, I should make a hotel reservation for Sunday night. 

 I haven't made a query in over a week, maybe two weeks.  I feel I should be doing that as well.  Plus I  need to make decisions about courses I am going to take in the fall.

I just can't motivate myself.

Life seems tough.  Life seems overwhelming. 

I'm trying a career change to content creator, changing what was essentially a hobby into a full time job.  I haven't made any money at it yet.  It's going to take time and patience.

A friend of mine who has been an actor for 20 years just got his first major TV role.  Wow.  That's a long time to wait.  I'll have Alzheimer's Disease by then, probably.  I have to struggle to stay content with living off my nest egg, taking joy in doing activities I love, and biding my time, hoping that I really am following HP's desires for me.

I guess I need to make up another to do list.  Maybe that will help to get things on paper.