When I wrote my second novel, When Alice Met Her Favorite Movie Star in an Elevator, the real movie star who I was fantasizing about was in his late 30's. The novel was, essentially, what we would now call "fan fiction;" but, at that time, I had never heard the term "fan fiction."
I was very worried about the fact that I did not have permission to use the real name of this movie star -- and that he might be upset if I used it -- or appeared to be writing about him. I decided to change his name to Gemini Travesia and also some facts about his life.
In this way, I tried to divorce my fantasies about him from the real man. The fantasies weren't really about him. They were about me.
One thing I realized from my first two novels was that I believed that the only way I could win the love of someone important would be to rescue him from some emotional crisis. I got this idea based on my dysfunctional relationship with my mother. She suffered from mental illness all her life. When I was small, she used me as a little psychiatrist -- something I have since learned to call "emotional incest."
This was my only experience of earning someone's love. My father, from what my mom later told me, had never wanted children. He was distant, harsh, hypercritical.
In some sense, in my fantasies, the movie star represented him. He was the star in my life. In some subconscious way, I transferred my experiences with my mother onto my fantasies of the star who represented my father.
When I saw this pattern in my first two novels, which was about the time when I first joined #OvereatersAnonymous and started inventorying myself, I was displeased. I came to believe that I should feel lovable, without engaging in some dramatic rescue.
One good thing about the first two novels was that they seemed to get the obsessive fantasies about certain celebrities out of my head.
Now, tho, the fantasies about the real movie star -- on whom Gemini Travesia was based -- have returned. I am thinking I should write them down again.
Now, in reality, I have never met this movie star -- nor do I ever expect to. He has never even seen me, much less fallen in love with me. Therefore the relationship he had with Alice Martin -- who represented me -- in the book has never occurred. Moreover, we're 20 years later.
Therefore, if I started writing again, it would have to be an alternate reality -- one where Gemini Travesia has not yet met Alice Martin, and he's now older, with more failed relationships under his belt.
One way I could write about this alternate reality might be to start X accounts based on the characters. I've heard that writers sometimes do that. There would have to be a choice of whether the characters would actually be reliving the plot of the book -- and therefore acting as publicity for the book -- or whether they would be living in a new reality.
I decided to go on Bing image creator and create some possible images of Gemini Travesia to use as an avi on X. I liked this first one best -- most like the guy I was actually fantasizing about. I particularly loved those gloves. I had to go out and buy some a bit like that for myself.
But then I thought I really needed someone older, because it's 20 years since I wrote the book.
And maybe with a bit of a smirk -- as the real star has such a beautiful smile.
Now, the real actor I was fantasizing about was white, but somehow that last photo has the smile I was looking for -- a bit mischievous. I suppose I could make the new Gemini Travesia black, tho that wasn't really what I had in mind.
Bing gave me more images
Do they all look a bit gay? I often wonder whether the handsomest actors must be gay. I feel like straight men all look a bit less angelic than the gay men, with more irregular features and more concavity in their cheeks.
Of course, in my mind, none of them quite cuts it, as none of them is the actual movie star that I'm fantasizing about.
Anyway, I'm not quite ready to start another X account -- tho I may do it.
That second novel remains the one I've gotten the most positive feedback on. When I wrote it, I was horribly embarrassed that I was spending so much energy fantasizing about celebrities. Now I realize that a lot of people fantasize about celebrities -- that the whole entertainment industry is based on fantasy.
It's nice getting some pictures. I never had pictures of Gemini Travesia before. I should probably have hired an artist to create one -- but I was too cheap.
